


Everything All The Time

by midnightfreeway



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Skating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 16:59:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9334361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightfreeway/pseuds/midnightfreeway
Summary: The thing about Victor is that he’s been so many things to him over the years.





	

Yuuri's leg buckles under him, his body toppling backwards and hitting the ice. Another fall. He lowers his head and places his hand on the ice, sucking in a shaky breath before pushing himself back up. His gloves are starting to get damp, fingers stiff from the cold. 

Victor is standing at the side of the rink, elbows resting on the boards. He has that intent look in his eyes again, lips thin and pursed. Yuuri studies his face as he skates closer, looking for signs of disappointment, maybe even frustration, but not seeing any. He drops his gaze, embarrassed. He should know better. Victor is always calm and controlled, demanding but also overwhelmingly supportive. And Yuuri has no idea what he has done to deserve a coach like him.

”You're distracted today,” Victor says. His voice is light, almost conversational. ”There's nothing wrong with the jump. The timing is spot-on. The rotation is there. You just need to stay focused, that's all. Don't think about it too much.”

Easier said than done. Yuuri hums in response and turns around, skating back to the far end of the rink. He can feel Victor's eyes on his back, watching his every move.

Forty-five minutes into the morning session, and Yuuri is already exhausted, wanting this day to end. He's been struggling with his quad toe all week, fallen on his butt more times than he can count. Yuuri knows it's mental rather than physical, but that doesn't make him feel any better about it. That's exactly the problem: the thoughts that keep haunting him, doubts and worries whirling through his mind like leaves in a storm. It's an endless cycle of fear and anxiety, and there's no way to break free from it. 

Yuuri launches himself into motion, the sound of blades scraping the ice loud in his ears. Steps, edges, toe pick, rotation. The next thing he knows, he's lost his balance again, body aching from the impact.

Yuuri gets up, huffing as he brushes snow off his pants. Frustration wells up in him before morphing into something else, a crippling fear that makes his chest ache and stomach churn. Yuuri doesn't have time for this. Rostelecom Cup is only a week away, and if he can't pull himself together before the competition--

He's starting to get dizzy now, head spinning and vision blurring, dark around the edges. His heart is pounding so fast it feels like it's going to burst out of his chest. Yuuri steadies himself, squeezes his eyes shut. _Everything's fine._ He repeats the words to himself like a mantra, trying to block out negative thoughts. _Everything's fine. There's still time. You're not alone. Victor's here. You can do this._

A moment of stillness, and then his heartbeat starts to slow down. Yuuri opens his eyes and forces himself into motion, gliding toward Victor. He hopes Victor doesn't bring up what just happened. Victor's brow is furrowed, worry apparent in his face. Yuuri gives him a pleading look. Victor blinks, and then his shoulders drop, eyes intent and focused again. Yuuri feels like sighing in relief. 

”This one was better,” Victor says. ”Let's take a short break. Clear your mind. Don't forget to breathe.”

Yuuri pushes himself away from the boards and takes off, skating laps around the rink. The air buzzes in his ears, a sound he's grown accustomed to over the years. Yuuri shakes his arms and legs, focusing on the sensations in his body. He likes to be in motion. It provides a welcome distraction from the thoughts swirling around in his head. He especially enjoys pushing his body to the limit, skating until his legs burn and his heart hammers in his chest and his muscles scream in protest. There's something exhilarating about it, the way his body aches and trembles, the sensations raw and real. Yuuri is skating much slower now, circling the rink at a leisurely pace, but it's still good: the air on his face, the hardness of the ice beneath him, everything. 

He skates back over to Victor and places his hands on the boards.

”Let's try again,” Victor says. His voice softens. ”You can do it, Yuuri. You've done this a million times before. This time is no different.”

Yuuri closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Victor's voice lingers in his mind, warm and smooth. Yuuri draws strength from his words, his presence, everything else momentarily forgotten. He keeps his head high and back straight, chest rising and falling in a slow, even rhythm. His mind is quiet at last, cleared of all unnecessary thoughts. 

He starts over again. Glides across the ice, launches himself into the air and lands the jump. It's a terrible landing, his body tipping forward and almost making him lose his balance, but it's still a landing. A flicker of hope lights up in Yuuri's chest, his heart jumping in relief.

Victor breaks into a bright smile. ”Well done, Yuuri! Let's leave it at that for now.”

Yuuri lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He's far from being content with the jump, but he knows it's time to let go and move on. This is the best he can do today. No need to make an issue out of it.

”Your spins need more work,” Victor says. ”Especially your positions. Let's start with the sit spin.”

Yuuri hums in agreement and turns away. The sooner he gets back to work, the better.

-

Afternoon practice session. Yuuri steps onto the ice and takes off. He's still relatively calm, ready to start the practice, but he can already feel the beginnings of anxiety creeping in, mild but noticeable. The quad toe has been bugging him all day, and the prospect of another difficult practice makes his heart flutter in his chest. Yuuri moves on to working on turns, ignoring the uneasy knot in his stomach. He's becoming good at this, avoiding his problems, suppressing his emotions until he can no longer contain them.

Today's mission: the short program. Yuuri starts the session by working on individual elements. The step sequence helps to ease his nerves. No problems with the axel or the salchow. Yuuri doesn't even think about doing the quad toe-triple toe combination, not yet. Not being able to land it would only make him even more anxious than he already is. Victor seems to accept this decision. He doesn't even bring it up, just lets him work on the elements at his own pace. Yuuri is grateful to him for that. 

”Let's do a run-through with music,” Victor says.

Yuuri takes a sip of water from his bottle. Breathes in and out, in and out, in and out. Rolls back his shoulders, glides to the center of the rink and assumes the starting position. Deep silence. If this was a competition, there would be a thousand eyes on him now, judges and spectators waiting for the music to start. Today, there's only one person watching him, and Yuuri's heart is still thudding in his chest, loud and clear. 

The music begins, and Yuuri lets his body move. It all comes so naturally now, after months of practice. Yuuri doesn't even have to think about it. His body knows what to do.

He moves into the step sequence, focused on his footwork. He can't see Victor, but he knows he's looking at him, drinking in the sight of his body twisting and turning and moving. A thrill of excitement courses through Yuuri, fueling his movements.

Yuuri spins, glides over the ice, lands a beautiful triple axel. He can feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins, filling him with energy. He wants Victor to see this. He wants Victor to see him at his best. He wants Victor to see him like this: invincible and powerful and alluring, just like the main character of the story his program is based on. Victor has invested so much time in him, sacrificing his own career to help Yuuri improve as a skater. This is Yuuri's way of paying him back.

Yuuri's salchow is consistent in practice, and this one is no exception. Yuuri is breathing harder, his heart pounding in his chest, but he doesn't stop. He pours all his remaining energy into skating, just like in a real competition. Yuuri won't settle for anything less than a perfect performance. It's the only way to make him feel better about himself. It's the only way to take Victor's breath away.

He doesn't really even think about the quad toe-triple toe combination. There's no time to worry, no time to overthink. He vaults himself into the air, rotates, lands the first jump. The landing is a little shaky, but it all happens so fast he doesn't even realize it. The next thing he knows, he's launching himself into the air again, landing with practiced grace. Yuuri's lips twitch into a brief smile. Everything's going according to the plan.

The last spin, and then he's done. Yuuri remains in his ending position and counts to three before dropping his arms. He's sweaty and breathless, body trembling from exertion, but it's a good kind of ache, an indication of the hard work he put into his program. Yuuri bends over and presses his hands to his knees, gasping for air. For the first time in days, he feels good about himself, relief flooding into his body and releasing the tension in his muscles.

Victor is leaning over the boards, head tilted just slightly, a small smile on his lips. He's looking at Yuuri, but he seems distracted, almost dreamy, like he's been caught up in some kind of spell. Yuuri thinks he sees a flash of something in Victor's eyes, but it's gone before he can identify it. 

”Amazing,” Victor says, voice a little hoarse, breathless. He clears his throat and stands up straighter, and then he's all professional again, smiling but focused. ”Let's – let's work on the choreographic details of the program. There are some things we need to fix.”

Yuuri looks at him and smiles, chest light and full. He had almost forgotten how powerful hope can be.

–

That night, in the privacy of Yuuri's room, Victor offers to rub Yuuri's back.

They're sitting together on the bed, Makkachin sleeping at their feet, warm and fluffy and soft. The room is mostly dark, only the desk lamp switched on. Yuuri can hear the sound of the TV from the living room, fragments of conversation between his parents. The sounds are faint and distant, as if they belong to another world. 

Yuuri could never say no to an offer like that. He turns his back to Victor and closes his eyes. Seconds later, he feels Victor's hands on his shoulders, palms warm through the fabric of his shirt. Victor's hands create a rhythm, kneading his shoulders with just the right amount of pressure, and Yuuri almost, almost lets out a sigh.

Yuuri lets his head droop between his shoulders. He's glad the day is almost over. Yuuri is completely exhausted, doesn't even feel like talking. He knows he doesn't have to. That's why he likes being alone with Victor: silence is never awkward with him. Yuuri is perfectly comfortable like this, arms folded in his lap and legs dangling off the edge of the bed, stomach full and body still warm from the bath.

Yuuri takes a deep breath and sighs.

”Rough day,” he says, his voice quiet.

Victor hums in response. His palms move in slow circles over Yuuri's back, easing out the tension in his muscles. Yuuri is pliant under Victor's hands, melting into his touch. He could fall asleep like this, wrapped up in his own little world, a world where there's only him and Victor and the shadows on the walls and nothing else.

”You never cease to amaze me.” The affection in Victor's voice makes Yuuri shiver. ”That run-through you did today. That quad toe. This week hasn't been easy for you, but you didn't give up, and it paid off. That jump was – beautiful.”

”Well, that's what you have to do,” Yuuri says. ”Especially in a competition. You just have to keep fighting, no matter what.”

Victor's hands leave Yuuri's shoulders. Yuuri turns around to face Victor. They're sitting so close to each other now, their faces only inches away from each other. Victor's eyes are bright in the low light of the room, his expression filled with reverent admiration. A familiar warmth rushes through Yuuri's body, fingertips tingling with the need to touch Victor. Yuuri finds himself leaning forward, lips parted, heart hammering in his chest. Victor lowers his head, a soft breath leaving his lips. Yuuri forces himself to stop. He stares at Victor's mouth, cheeks burning like fire, a thousand thoughts rushing through his mind.

There's a voice in the back of his mind that says this is not a good idea. A romantic relationship between a coach and an athlete is never a good idea. It makes things complicated. Yuuri has heard stories, stories about failed relationships, athletes and coaches parting ways on bad terms. Balancing personal and professional lives is not easy. You can't turn your feelings on and off at will. Yuuri knows that better than anyone.

The thing about Victor is that he’s been so many things to him over the years. At first, he was Yuuri’s idol. Someone to look up to, someone who inspired him. Then he became Yuuri's coach. Someone who encouraged him, someone who helped him improve as a skater. And now – _this._ Yuuri doesn't know how exactly to define this part of their relationship, but one thing's for sure: this goes beyond friendship, beyond their relationship as a coach and athlete, beyond anything he has ever known before. This is something different, something new, and just thinking about it makes Yuuri's heart pound in his chest.

Yuuri makes a small noise in the back of his throat. There's only one thing he's sure of at this point. Yuuri doesn't want his career to suffer because of this. He's put so much time and effort into training and competing and getting better at what he does. He doesn't want to throw it all away. It's too precious to be lost. Victor is too precious to be lost. He has helped Yuuri so much. Yuuri doesn't want to mess things up. There's no room for mistakes.

He has kept Victor waiting for too long. Victor exhales and looks away, eyes filled with an emotion Yuuri can't name. He looks puzzled and conflicted, vulnerable in a way Yuuri has never seen before, and it absolutely breaks his heart. 

”Hey,” Yuuri says, voice quiet and soft. Victor looks back at him. Yuuri inhales and opens his mouth, but the words don't come out. His eyes flicker down to Victor's lips and then back to his eyes. He's trying to get the message across this way, and maybe it works, because the next thing he knows, they're both leaning forward, careful and hesitant, their lips touching with breathtaking tenderness.

Maybe they can find a way to make this work. Yuuri is more than motivated to make this work. This is better than anything he's ever even dreamed of, overwhelming and kind of scary but sweet and true at the same time. He'd be an idiot to let Victor go, this man who has done so much for him, this man who he has come to care so deeply about. And the way Victor makes him _feel_ : strong and weak all at once, his chest full and tight, his heart about to burst--

Victor cups the back of Yuuri's head, fingers lacing through his hair, mouth warm and gentle against Yuuri's. He strokes his fingers across Yuuri's jawline, and Yuuri sighs and swoons and melts into his touch.

He should have realized this sooner. There's no point in resisting, no point in fighting back. Their lives are already intertwined in every aspect, their connection deeper than anything Yuuri has ever experienced. That connection is palpable in everything he does: it's a source of inspiration, emotion, determination, sometimes all at the same time, and there's nothing wrong with that. It can't be bad, because it has brought so many good things into Yuuri's life, feelings of accomplishment and self-worth and happiness and love. This connection – it's the strength of their relationship. It's what makes it work. It's how they're going to make it work.

Victor's skin is still damp from the bath, warmth radiating from his body. Yuuri nuzzles his nose against his cheek and wants this night to last forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on Tumblr @ [midnightfreeway](http://midnightfreeway.tumblr.com)! I’m planning on posting some ficlets there, so stay tuned!


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